In Jin Moon
1. In Jin Nim greeted everyone – "what a beautiful Sunday morning!"
2. Last weekend was an exciting adventure for everyone at the Manhattan Center. They had Dancing with the Stars in the house. It was a wonderful opportunity to see the new, up-and-coming stars in our community, Misha Green and Ariana (In Jin Nim's daughter) – for being part of the show, showcasing and representing our community. Misha Green was seated at a table with In Jin Nim and he was very nervous. The second and third balcony were full of STFers. He wanted to do the best job that he could. When the time came for him to perform he did wonderfully. He rose to the occasion and we were all truly proud of him. Ariana was able to dance because she is the reigning champion graduating from Harvard this spring – one of the best all round dancers. It was wonderful to watch her perform with her partner Marco.
3. In Jin Nim is watching our youngsters, our up-and-coming stars, truly grow into themselves and find their calling in life. In Jin Nim always encouraged her kids, "always think about what your passion in life might be, and try to see if you can be in tune with your inner voice so that you can hear the calling when God truly calls you to be that incredible son and daughter of God. It is your life purpose or destiny to fulfill that calling, that inner voice that you hear within yourself. When you find that you are passionate about a particular field or career or vocation – then it is really our job to be responsible in that we exercise our 5% responsibility to fully help our passions flower in such a way – that it does not become a burden on the family, the community, or our country – but our passions become the way that we can express some of God's love with the rest of the world."
4. The beautiful thing about art and music and dance, even sports, is that in order to fully express our true passion, we have to go through this incredible time of patience and diligence, of really applying ourselves to bring out the best that we can possibly be so that we can share the best quality of ourselves with the rest of the world.
5. As each child grows up and finds their own calling in life, and decides that, their passions have taken them into the area of business, or ministerial work, or towards artistic endeavor, it's really wonderful that when the child, our sons and daughters, are infused with this mission or calling, or understanding that they are being called upon the world stage – meaning – you have to be the best that you can possibly be – then there is a sense that you want to give back to the community.
6. Even when In Jin Nim's children were very little, she told them, "find your passion in life. Mommy can try her best to help guide you in a particular field because you might be an incredible math whiz and so perhaps you might want to go into the scientific area or become a mathematician, or a child might be very adept in terms of playing an instrument – and so then the mother would naturally encourage that child to apply themselves in that particular field, be it the piano, guitar, drums, or violin. As parents we want to empower our children and help them believe that they can truly accomplish everything that their heart desires.
7. As each child finds their calling in life, and understand that they have a certain purpose in terms of using their special talents to somehow help the world, were to be in service of others so that they can truly inspire others to be greater than they are – then we as parents can take great satisfaction in that our children are well on their way to becoming incredible sons and daughters of God.
8. Certainly in the last month and the beginning of this month in the states, is the time when our children graduate from high school and college and different programs – so we as parents have so much expectation of what our graduates will do in the future.
9. Of course, when there is a graduation there is a great sense of excitement, because it means that school is over and we can all look forward to summer vacation. When we were much younger getting out of school and looking towards summer, we looked forward to spending time at the beach or with our family. But one of the things that is very interesting about summer, when we research the dynamics of family relationships, we find that summer tends to be the highest season for the greatest amount of fighting in the family.
Arnold P. Goldstein
10. There is a doctor, Arnold Goldstein, who has done a great deal of research studying the dynamics of parents and children. In our community, where we are all on the path of developing ideal families of our own, we know, as parents, it is a wonderful thing to drop off our kids at school and not have to deal with them until the evening when we have to work with them on homework or different research projects. But when they graduate and they hit the summer, a lot of parents start to panic, because that is really the first time to have three or four or five kids in the home from morning to night. The kind of friction that arises during the summer vacation, and after that, the intense heat of the summer sun, can sometimes cause a great deal of strife and fighting and friction within the family. For a lot of people, a lot of the young people who use school as their escape from family issues, from dealing with the family problems that they have to face in their daily lives – school was a place they could run to, to get away from some of the family issues. But when the summer vacation hits many of these young people return home and realize that the home situation is pretty much how they left it – and there needs to be some work done in order to make it better.
11. Many times when young people are confronted, or find themselves in this situation, they go through extreme levels of depression. As the senior pastor, receiving thousands of e-mails every day, there is a great deal of e-mails from parents, but also a great deal of e-mails from the young people as well. You hear these concerns in the voices of the young people – that have been articulated via text messages or e-mails. And they say things like, "now that school is over I have to go back home. I have to deal with my mother, or I have to deal with my father – and it's going to be a really, really tough summer." They go on to explain the situation a little bit – and they usually end the e-mail with, "I am incredibly depressed."
12. It is a call for help, it is their attempt at reaching out to the senior pastor or to whoever else they're talking. But, when In Jin Nim thinks about this call for help, "I am depressed because I have to deal with my family for the next three months and I am in this type of situation where I feel like I cannot really be that agent of change. I'm feeling as if I'm almost being assaulted by daily bombings from the parents or from the siblings." The child is almost in this trench mentality, where they have dug themselves a little trench called their room or their closet, and they feel like they have to suffer through the three months of summer before relief in the form of another school year will take them out of this situation, not really having dealt with the family problems at hand.
13. When the child is in this predicament there are a couple of things that In Jin Nim hears over and over again. There is a certain level of expectation that coming home from school, things would have changed, become better, progress, their siblings would've matured, the parents would have worked things out in the year that they were away – and when they come back to the same situation, this hope and anticipation is shattered and they find themselves in a state of disappointment. Here they are being burdened by these sense of disappointment, feeling bad because they are disappointed, because their hope and anticipation of seeing something having changed – did not occur, then they're going to be depressed – or it gives them license to be depressed.
14. Other language that In Jin Nim hears over and over again – she hears "I am disappointed" and she hears "I'm discouraged" it is the second word she reads over and over again in these emails. They are discouraged because they do not know how to better their situation. They don't know how they might be the agent of change, perhaps helping those siblings get along better, helping their parents get along better with a particular sibling or with each other – in a way, they do not want to take the courage to take the necessary steps to make the situation better. They simply fall into this trench mentality, a trench that tells them that they are the victim of a particular family that they cannot be freed from. Therefore they are just waiting to be victimized – because that is how they see themselves. They are discouraged because they are "dissing" the "courage" to actually do something about it.
15. The third word that In Jin Nim hears over and over again – again the first word is disappointed, "I'm depressed because I am disappointed" and (#2) "I'm depressed because I'm discouraged" and the third – is the word despair. "I have nothing but despair." When a child uses this word they are basically saying there is utterly no way out. They see no hope, there is a constant cloud of hopelessness and they don't know how to make their life better.
16. A lot of these young men and women, going through the emotional throws of experiencing this hope of something changing – but it does not occur, and then vacillating between hope and discouragement, or realizing that their family situation is utterly hopeless, that there is no way out – a lot of these children, or young adults, feel that somehow that is the way it's got to be. "I am depressed is how I diagnose myself, and there is nothing, nothing I can do about it." They say to themselves, "since I am in this state in which nothing can be done," instead of reaching out of their selves, or their self-imposed exile into this trench warfare, of victimized mentality and utter hopelessness – they tell themselves, "I am just going to cave in to myself – I am going to suffer miserably and feel the pain."
17. Feel the pain in order to get themselves out? No feel that pain because they simply want to marinate in their pain. And what a lot of young people, especially young girls, end up doing is they usually cry out for help at moments like this when they are extremely depressed, they feel there is nothing they can do and there is nothing they can control. What young ladies tend to do is to use this opportunity as a platform to lash out and create a huge crisis in the family. Or they do something really outlandish – they say to their parents, "I am so depressed – I am going to murder somebody, I'm going to take this bottle of pills, I'm going to kill myself"
18. They create a crisis because they feel like their life is not in control. What these kids are doing is to try to control their life by creating a crisis. It's an energy called crisis control. In order to receive the kind of attention, or kind of help they would like – instead of sincerely or honestly and beseechingly look for an adult or someone who is well versed in psychology or counseling, who could really help them – what they do is they create these crisis points, "I'm going to take these pills, I want to kill somebody, or more, to kill myself." Then the parents who are seemingly negligent, or seemingly have ignored them their whole life, suddenly come to their aid. Or their friend, who they could not get attention from, suddenly comes to their aid, "what are you talking about! Please don't do this!" And in that moment they feel an incredible sense of power. They feel an incredible sense of control. For the first time in their lives they feel like they are masters of the universe because these people are at their mercy – at what they might or could do.
19. The kind of lessons that In Jin Nim learned – if parents and friends only react to crisis points – they are teaching these young people to constantly create crisis so that they can feel empowered, they can feel in control, like masters of the universe. But if we truly understand that the purpose of a beautiful, holistic, divine human being is not to create crisis all throughout their lives so that they can feel they are masters of the universe. But if we truly understand that the purpose of our lives is to serve others and in so doing have a rich and rewarding life ourselves, then we realize that we have to take another route in dealing with our depression, not degenerating and reverting to this crisis and control mentality that a lot of young people, but also people in the mid-40s, who are well into their senior years, are also guilty of doing.
20. So, we need to think about what is the best way to take care of these people. Many times these young girls who are turning everything into a crisis to seek attention from people who they don't know – it doesn't matter where the attention comes from as long as they can get it. In this case the summer vacation can be an incredibly dangerous operation for ladies like this – because what happens is that they turn inward towards this thing called the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful facilitator in helping us to do our jobs in different vocations and professions, but it has also become a highway for a lot of scam artists who prey on these vulnerable young people through the Internet. So, even a simple and widely accepted thing as Facebook can become a dangerous medium in that a lot of young people are asked to be befriended by someone they do not know. They check them out and see their profile page and they think, "Seems like a nice person." They befriend them and immediately this person that they do not know has access to their pictures and everything about them and what they are doing with the constant updating that comes from the young person. Before you know it these dangerous Internet predators can become your sons or daughters best friend.
21. They can be turned into victims that are no different from the girl that In Jin Nim spoke about a few weeks ago – who lay there, hanging by a thread on to her life, because three or four guys somehow got her to come out with them. And she, being gullible and trusting, saw them as some new people and new faces – did not realize why they stalked her, flattered her, made her feel like a princess, incredibly special and loved – until they drugged her. She probably felt the same kind of excitement that young boys and girls might feel on Facebook or on the Internet when these different people contact them, especially more so in the summer.
22. This is something that we as parents need to be cognizant about. The world of our youngsters is very, very different from the kind of world that we grew up in. When In Jin Nim was in college there was no such thing as the Internet. She remembers typing her papers on a typewriter. If she made a mistake she would have to use whiteout and sometimes re-type the whole page. Our children never experienced this. Everything is at the touch of a button. There's a certain ease and comfort that comes with modernization, but modernization also has a price, and if we as parents are not cognizant of what is taking place in the lives of our sons and daughters, we cannot be great guardians or advisers or supporters in their life's journey to become that great man or woman of God.
23. Especially today, as we are celebrating the Il Shim graduation – when In Jin Nim thinks about these young people and the kind of lives that they could have, and also the kind of lives that they could have if they succumb to these Internet predators, these people that mean them harm, then In Jin Nim feels that we as a community need to try our best to help them in a way that they can understand – so that there is constant communication that is taking place.
24. One of the things that Dr. Goldstein talks about, when you are dealing with all these issues, all these new and developing issues in a particular family, then both the parent and the child have to be open-minded and willing to work at the problem together. He recommends three things to keep in mind. For instance, when you find your child with a label, "I'm depressed" on their forehead, because they feel disappointed. Maybe the child wanted to go on a holiday somewhere but their family had other plans and so they are incredibly upset and depressed. Or maybe the child is depressed because they have been discouraged. Maybe a couple of their peers, knowing that this child wants to be a musician – "you know you sound like Happy Feet. You don't sound that great." Or maybe the child experienced utter despair in that perhaps, in a social setting, something happened to them that was incredibly embarrassing.
25. So, how can we as parents help them and support them through the most critical stages of their lives, to give them a sense of wanting to believe in themselves, wanting to believe that if they can conceive what they would like to do with their lives, if they have an idea of what they're calling might be – then as long as they are willing to work hard they can certainly accomplish all that they would like in life.
26. There are three things that Dr. Goldstein recommends. When these doctors come to these incredible findings it's pretty much common sense, obvious things, the simple things, but sometimes the most simple things in life are the most difficult things to carry out.
27. Dr. Goldstein starts out by saying that one of the first things we need to do is – as parent to a child or between siblings, is to really start to listen. In Jin Nim remembers many times visiting her friend's house and when she walked in her friend would be fighting with her parents, screaming at the top of their lungs. In Jin Nim grew up in a family in which they don't scream at each other. Watching her friend it was almost like watching a show, exciting, so much drama, people expressing and articulating. Sometimes they were running around the island in the kitchen, throwing things at each other – very, very animated. In Jin Nim realized that they would scream at each other at the same time. It wasn't, one person scream and then the other scream. They were screaming at each other at the same time while running around the island in the kitchen. The child was trying to voice her frustration and the mother was trying to voice her frustration, but neither of them was listening to the other. The only thing they were doing was to chase each other around with a great deal of volume.
28. When Dr. Goldstein says, "If you want to have better communication in the family you have to start to listen." First of all you have to sit down and be respectful to each other, to want to talk to each other, and give each other due deference, in that when we talk to someone we look at the person. When the child is not looking at the parent, then perhaps the parent should say, "Please look at me when I speak to you." Because so many parents are okay, talking to their child when the child is not looking at them, while the child is looking away. There is no sense of eye contact. And so when we truly listen to somebody, we listen with our ears, but we also have to listen with our eyes and let them know that we want to listen to what they have to say.
29. We have to give each other the respect, to hear each other out – meaning that when one is speaking the other should wait until they are finished, and then give the other the room and the turn to respond. And when responding, to respond to the subject at hand, not to jump from topic to topic in order to win the race in volume, or the race in how many subjects can be brought up.
30. Try to tackle one subject at a time, by giving each other due deference, looking into each other's eyes, giving each person, child, sister, or brother their turn and – try to repeat, when you're answering, exactly what the person was saying. For instance a child might say, "Mom, when you told me I'd never do anything right, it really, really hurt me." Then the mother, instead of saying, "what are you talking about, I never said such a thing!" She could say, "did I really say that you never do anything right?" in other words repeating what the child just said. And the mother might continue, "Did I just say that you never do anything right – if so, I am sorry. Let me try to explain what I meant." So, the child knows that the mother clearly heard what the child said, and the mother, having responded in a way that the child hears that the mother understood what she said, the mother is now ready to make her argument, or her opinion heard. The child in return should listen to what the mother says, and again, repeat what the mother says – and then give her, her opinion.
31. So both sides feel like they are heard. Both sides feel that they have been listened to. This is important, not only between parent and child, but between spouses. One of the things you realize when you go to marriage therapy and the couples are brought on stage and they go through this thing called listening therapy, in which one spouse says something to the other and the other repeats what they said, and the other person having heard what the other wants to say has to repeat what the other said. It is so simple, in theory, but you would be amazed how many couples simply cannot do that. Simply, they cannot repeat what the other has said, because they are not really accustom to listening to what they have been saying.
32. So we, in marriage, have literally built walls right outside our ears when it comes to our spouse. When we look at our spouse the ear mufflers go on, "it's our spouse, it's ear muffler time." Whatever they say we don't hear them. We see them as our spouse, "yes you're talking, but here let me tell you what I want." We keep bulldozing what we want, so the spouse never feels like you are hearing what they're saying and vice versa. This simple technique of listening, letting the other person know that you heard exactly what they said because you are repeating for them what they said – is an incredible source of a comfort zone – it's a way to create comfort zones in the midst of your conversation that allows the person to want to share more, talk more, and grow more together with you.
33. Another point that Dr. Goldstein talks about is this need to understand each other as truly respectful adults, and that every time a child goes through a particular period, we are constantly saying things like, "you know, when you do something it's never good enough. It's never good enough." In a way we are cutting our child short even before they start. What the parent many times fails to do – is that we don't know how to ask for help. We are stuck in this crisis where we are dealing with a rebellious child, not understanding what the child is going through because there is a huge generational gap – it's a different world for them. Instead of asking the child to participate and help the parent to understand – many times the parent will simply throw out a declaration, "You'll never amount to much." because the parent is simply frustrated. We, being parents, are supposed to know it all.
34. In Jin Nim shared, "I don't know about you guys, but I was never given a manual on how to be great parents. So I still learn and I revel in the fact that I learn every day." But a lot of parents simply cannot turn to a child and say, "You know what? I really want to create our family into a beautiful ideal family. I need your help to do that. Because, if I want to create a beautiful family and you are a part of this family I can't do it myself. I need your help." Sometimes this gesture of extending a hand from a parent to a child is an incredible invitation for a child. If the relationship has been pretty bad thus far, it might take a couple of tries of the parent saying, "You know I need you. I need your help to make our family into a great family." It might take a couple of tries with a child who is saying, "I don't want anything to do with you. Get away from my site, you are an eyesore." But as long as we keep on trying, sooner or later the child will respond. And it's the same between siblings as well.
35. Instead of getting upset, and blowing up and saying things that can be extremely destructive, because – as In Jin Nim has said many times, "words are incredibly powerful. They are vehicles of emotion in that they can create and empower people or others, but they also can destroy and kill another person." Words are incredibly important in a family setting, and therefore before the parent or anybody else in the family explodes into the volcano, if we feel like this rebellious child is too much, simply ask for help. You can ask for help within, you can ask for help from the child, but also seek for help outside – by somebody who is well trained in the area of counseling and therapy and family management.
36. Another thing that we need to think about in order to help facilitate great communication, so that during the summer vacation it can be a source of strengthening and not a time when the family actually falls apart, even worse than they were before, because of being concentrated in one location for a vast amount of time – one of the things we need to keep in mind is looking for opportunities to truly complement each other.
37. So we have to listen, we have to ask for help, but we also have to look for opportunities to genuinely, to honestly complement each other.
38. In Jin Nim remembers when she was saying goodbye to the graduates last Sunday. A great deal of graduates and parents were standing in line and In Jin Nim was wishing them a great summer – you have this great time to spend with your parents. And this one mother came with her son and a couple of friends, and In Jin Nim said to her, "Well, you should be so proud that your son is graduating." And the mother just immediately, without saying congratulations to the son and the friends, she just said, "He was such a problem. He's much better now. Well, actually he has a lot of work to do, but he is a little bit better." And In Jin Nim said, "You mean your son had a successful year and you are really proud of him that he is graduating." And she said, "yeah, yeah, yeah, but he has a lot of things he needs to work on when we get home." And the son was looking at In Jin Nim, thinking, "Oh my Lord, I have to go back home with this woman!" In Jin Nim was thinking, "perhaps when the child was rebelling, if the child was dealing with issues at home, maybe because the mother was a little bit too much of a task master, or she was more of a judge then someone who the child could communicate with, or talk with, and working things out with. The mother didn't seem to realize that she was in a social setting, that there were other people standing behind her – it was basically what she was feeling at the moment, that she was going to project it, share it, express it, and she wanted to be heard. But when you see things like that, In Jin Nim wishes that she could have captured it on video so that she could send it to her saying, "This is a well-wish and congratulations from LL Ministry. By the way please take a look at this clip, and you might want to think about what Dr. Goldstein was saying when he talked about listening, the importance of asking for help." Perhaps the mother could have asked the child, "Could you help me around the house? Can you help me with your younger siblings. Instead of going out and partying every night, could you be up early in the morning to help me make breakfast, or help me with a laundry"– so that the mother is not burdened by all these tasks. By sharing the tasks amongst the family members allows them to get the task done more quickly, so more time can be had enjoying each other, complementing each other.
39. One of the things In Jin Nim wanted to say to this mother is that we, as concerned parents, many times turn ourselves into worrywarts. We become almost like a police officer, wanting to catch every wrong deed of our child. Our life's work is to catch our children when they make a mistake. But if we can re-imagine our role to be something other than being a mere police officer, a taskmaster who is there to catch every misdeed of the child, re-imagine ourselves to be the source of endless strength and inspiration and guidance – in the form of someone who was there to catch every good deed of your child. Then you will realize that you are creating a whole new and different type of environment in the family setting.
40. For instance if this mother can re-imagine herself as someone who is not there to just constantly be a machine gun to the kids, about all the things that they are not – if she can be a supportive mother who is there to catch and complement all the good things that the child is doing – perhaps the child is in that phase of their life when there isn't that much to catch when it comes to good, but if we keep on building on a positive relationship, sooner or later the child will do something that is good. Something as simple as passing the salt and pepper across the table, "Mom, would you like some salt and pepper with your entrée?" Something as simple as that can be turned into something incredibly powerful – when the parent in return responds, "How gentlemanly of you to do so, how lady-like of you to do so, thank you for asking." And in this way take the small gestures that seem insignificant, they all take for granted, and use them as stepping stones to better our relationship, into that kind of relationship where a parent and child are talking.
41. If we really think about it, there really is no guarantee in life that our children will do well. We can try our best. We can pray all night and all day, 24-7 in hopes that they will do well. But what we need to do, if we are going to be there for them in their consciousness, hopefully as a part of their lives – if our child is going to invite us to participate in their lives, to want to participate and grow together with us – the secret ingredient to that is communication. It's them feeling like they are heard, feeling that you are someone that they can talk to, feeling like you are someone they can ask for help, someone they can talk to – because when they are discouraged, disappointed, and in the throes of despair, they can count on you for a little bit of complement – that is seemingly tiny, like a tiny speck of pepper, but it will go an enormous distance when it comes to the feeling of security, of emotional stability, which is incredibly important for our child. And only in that way can we give our kids the strength to deal with a lot of the issues that they are struggling with.
42. We as parents many times find ourselves in this situation where we have to say no to a lot of the things that our child wants – because we care. And the young people have to understand why your parents are doing that. It's because they know that the world is not that pretty at times. They know that you are no different from that girl that In Jin Nim saw at the restaurant. You could so easily have been that girl on her way to being gang raped, to having a traumatic experience that she, or you, would have to deal with for the rest of your life. So do parents have a reason to worry? Do they have a reason to be concerned? Absolutely! In Jin Nim worries about her kids night and day. "But are we there just to annoy you? Or are we there to be your source of strength?"
43. In Jin Nim believes we are there to be their source of strength, and strength means also setting boundaries, setting guidelines, tools that they can use in their lives to better their relationship with us (their parents), to better their relationship with others in their road of finding who they are, of coming to realize their true passions and their true callings that are going to turn them into incredible men and women of God.
44. When we are dealing with each other in the context of a family, and our True Father, the Rev Sun Myung Moon, talks about families quite often in his sermons. He says the family is truly like a textbook of what love is all about, what our understanding of relationship is all about. It is where we work things out. It is like a workshop. And when we are truly practicing loving each other we are literally rubbing up against each other, rubbing up against our sharp corners, our extreme character – that will be honed and softened, because people in the family context care enough to really want to work things out.
45. Instead of wearing the label, "I am depressed because I am disappointed," when we can have a great relationship with our parents, or with our siblings, then we can re-imagine the word 'disappointed' to 're-appointed' in that, we decide, once and for all, "I am not going to be depressed. I'm going to work things out. As tough as it is, I have been placed in this family to deal with these issues, so that not only can I grow, but all in the family can grow together." So instead of being depressed because you are disappointed now you are re-imagining yourself to be re-appointed to be that agent of change, that person who is not going to be a victim, who is going to appoint yourself to be that child of God with incredible potential, and with an incredible divinity that should be shared with the rest of the world.
46. And, instead of being discouraged, vacillating between hope and discouragement, we are going to decide, once and for all, that we are not going to 'diss' this word called 'courage'. So, in a way, stop dissing courage and decide today to take courage, and to make that first step into, "Mom, Dad, can we talk? Mom, you really hurt me. Can we talk about this? What you asked me to do, I did not understand. Can we communicate? Can we get to understand where we are at?" It takes courage to ask, to take that step, but that is what we need to do if you want to have a better communicating family.
47. And, instead of suffering and marinating in this sea of despair – sometimes we realize that when we are so consumed with our own problems, "I've been there, you've been there, your parents have been there, our siblings have been there, if you are a human being we've all been there." When you find yourself in the sea of despair you feel like the whole world is closing in on you and you are literally caving into this big black hole. You feel worthless, you have no hope, "Hello hopelessness, how should we go on? Should I wake up tomorrow? Why not just end it all?"
48. When we find ourselves totally consumed with our own grief and suffering, that is when In Jin Nim realized the incredible power of a simple philosophy that our True Father and True Mother have been teaching over the years, "live for the sake of others." Instead of deciding, or continuing to marinate ourselves in this sea of despair, we can decide once and for all to care, to actually start caring, start thinking about others around us.
49. We are not an island unto ourselves. We don't live alone. Even the most independent of us still go to the grocery store to buy groceries. Where do the groceries come from? Where does the produce comes from? Where does the canned food come from? As much as you want to claim you are a fully independent male of female – we are hopelessly dependent on each other. Regardless of how independent and free you think you are, you are not that free. You live in the context of a country that believes in its constitution and therefore there are certain laws and rules that apply. Yes we have freedom and we can express ourselves as long as we don't infringe on the rights of others. And that means for the rights of others in the family too.
50. Regardless of how independent we might want to be when we are young, you still have to use public transportation. Who was driving the subway? Who is cleaning the subway? If we want to be entertained and go see a movie, who makes those movies? We certainly did not. Because others have done so in service to others, we can enjoy them.
51. Likewise, when we realize that, instead of being engulfed in this flame of despair, of individual desperation and hopelessness, sometimes the best way to get ourselves out of that is to simply decide to care about someone else. What about the children in Africa? What about those women in Afghanistan who fight for the right to read a book? What about those people who don't have enough to eat in Ethiopia? We just have to walk down to our kitchen and pour ourselves a glass of milk. What about the other people? And when we start caring about other people, and we start challenging our energies into taking care of others – sometimes that's the best way to get ourselves out of our rut.
52. We realize that, when we are in a family, and here we find ourselves in this beautiful movement that we call the Unification Movement, with all different types of people from different backgrounds, different religions, different cultural backgrounds. Perhaps a child might be from a Japanese father and an African mother or a child might be from a French father and Austrian mother. There are a whole lot of dynamics that are already moving into play and everybody comes with their preconceived notions of how things should be done.
53. But when it concerns a family, we have to have this concept that we are a team. Each family is like a team here. In order for that team to be successful, in order for the football team to win the NFL you've got a work with your teammates. In order to win the World Cup, the soccer team has to work together. They need to rely on each other. They need to have a great communications system. They need to have some language or sign language, whatever it takes, so that each team member knows exactly what to do. Through the communication process, even though each segment of play might afford the whole team different scenarios of strategies to be laid on the game, as long as the family is working together, almost like movable parts in the machine, then you realize that, if there is a desire to make ourselves better, and why should we not want to make ourselves better, then we realize that sometimes what is seemingly incredibly difficult, is a wonderful workshop through which we can become a better and deeper and more profound person.
54. In the Good Book, in John 10:10 it says, "thieves come to steal, to kill, to destroy, but I have come so that you may enjoy life and have it in abundance." Young men and women in the audience, you have to understand that your parents who love you with all of their heart, they know the world is not a pretty place, and they know there are a lot of people out there who want to steal, want to kill, who want to destroy.
55. One of the most beautiful things about being a human being is that we were all born to love and to be loved. Part of the reason for having the Il Shim ceremony, we are pledging ourselves to be pure for the other, pledging ourselves to be unadulterated in preparation for the other. Regardless of how old we get in life, and In Jin Nim has seen a lot of friends come and go through marriages, and divorces, and different relationships – but there is something beautiful in the concept of the Blessing. There's something beautiful, two people coming together, committing their lives to each other, and not to just each other but to God and our True Parents, to humanity, and then to each other. There is something incredibly beautiful in that. 56. Our parents, who might sometime seem like total worrywarts, who feel like they are incredibly annoying, it's because they know that the most precious gift that they could hope for a child is for the child to love and be loved. To love someone who is just as committed as our child, who will love that child just as much as our child will love them. This is what parents want for their children. In Jin Nim is no different and your parents are no different. They want you to grow up to love and to be loved.
57. This ceremony, pledging ourselves in preparation for the future, to really be loved by somebody who will not steal your love, who will not kill your love, who will not destroy your love, but truly waiting for somebody with whom you can have that love, you can enjoy life in that love, and you can experience all things in abundance in that love. That is the wish of every parent for all of you.
58. Please, when you gaze upon your parents, and as we work together to really become that functioning ideal family, as we work on listening to each other, as we work on asking for help of each other, as we work on complementing each other – and compliments go both ways, don't be young adults always wanting compliments from your parents. What about we taking the responsibility as young adults and catching those moments when we can complement our parents?
59. If we can do that, then we realize that this passage, John 10:10 is Jesus warning all of us that there are elements in our lives that are like a thief that come to steal, kill, and destroy the most precious thing in our life which is love. But what God and Jesus intend, and Jesus in this passage very much sees himself as the gate through which we will have, through which we will all enjoy life, through whom we will have all things in abundance. In a way this is a clear indication of Jesus telling his people, "This is really why I am here. Why am I the Messiah? Why am I this gate through which you can have all these things?" Because, had Jesus lived he would have done just that. If he had not been crucified and his life cut short he would have made sure that all his brothers and sisters, as the children of God, would have a life where they would have love, were they would enjoy life in love, were they would have things in abundance in love.
60. I like the idea of Christian piety, of total denial and sacrifice, and In Jin Nim is a huge believer in the virtues of sacrifice and in the lessons well learned through suffering, but the true goal of our lives is to really be rich in love, is to enjoy life, to truly love life in the context of a family, and in the context of a beautiful husband and wife relationship, and the beautiful relationship between siblings, because that is what gives human beings the greatest sense of fulfillment.
61. "Brothers and sisters on this Sunday morning when the band sang wonderful songs about this calling in life, wanting to live our life because we are listening to that inner voice – you know it doesn't matter how old we are, we are never too old to be called. So open up your hearts and know that we are all here for a reason, we are here to share in the breaking news – so share the good news of our True Parents with the rest of the world, but in the meantime work on our families by remembering these simple points that Dr. Goldstein spoke about.
62. God bless and have a lovely Sunday! Thank you."
Notes:
Arnold P. Goldstein
Arnold P. Goldstein, Ph.D., is Professor of Special Education at Syracuse University, Director of the New York State Task Force on Juvenile Gangs, a member of the American Psychological Association Commission on Youth Violence, and a member of the Council of Representatives, International Society for Research on Aggression. He has developed three increasingly competitive approaches to prosocial skills training, skillstreaming, aggression replacement training, and the Prepare Curriculum. Reflecting his role as Director of the Syracuse University Center for Research on Aggression, much of his research and teaching have centered on helping youngsters replace antisocial, aggressive behaviors with constructive, alternative means of seeking life satisfaction and effectiveness.
John, chapter 10
1: "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber;
2: but he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.
3: To him the gatekeeper opens; the sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.
4: When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice.
5: A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers."
6: This figure Jesus used with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them.
7: So Jesus again said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.
8: All who came before me are thieves and robbers; but the sheep did not heed them.
9: I am the door; if any one enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.
10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
11: I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
12: He who is a hireling and not a shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees; and the wolf snatches them and scatters them.
13: He flees because he is a hireling and cares nothing for the sheep.
14: I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me,
15: as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.
16: And I have other sheep, that are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will heed my voice. So there shall be one flock, one shepherd.
17: For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life, that I may take it again.
18: No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again; this charge I have received from my Father."
19: There was again a division among the Jews because of these words.
20: Many of them said, "He has a demon, and he is mad; why listen to him?"
21: Others said, "These are not the sayings of one who has a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?"
22: It was the feast of the Dedication at Jerusalem;
23: it was winter, and Jesus was walking in the temple, in the portico of Solomon.
24: So the Jews gathered round him and said to him, "How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us plainly."
25: Jesus answered them, "I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name, they bear witness to me;
26: but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep.
27: My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me;
28: and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of my hand.
29: My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
30: I and the Father are one."
31: The Jews took up stones again to stone him.
32: Jesus answered them, "I have shown you many good works from the Father; for which of these do you stone me?"
33: The Jews answered him, "It is not for a good work that we stone you but for blasphemy; because you, being a man, make yourself God."
34: Jesus answered them, "Is it not written in your law, `I said, you are gods'?
35: If he called them gods to whom the word of God came (and scripture cannot be broken),
36: do you say of him whom the Father consecrated and sent into the world, `You are blaspheming,' because I said, `I am the Son of God'?
37: If I am not doing the works of my Father, then do not believe me;
38: but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father."
39: Again they tried to arrest him, but he escaped from their hands.
40: He went away again across the Jordan to the place where John at first baptized, and there he remained.
41: And many came to him; and they said, "John did no sign, but everything that John said about this man was true."
42: And many believed in him there.